Category: Writing

Seen scrolling across the screen of a local television news program: “Two men attack woman wearing clown masks.”

I was intrigued by that headline. I wanted to know exactly how many masks the woman was wearing when she was attacked and why.

Yes, I catch dangling participles when I see them in print. My English teacher back in the Fifties used the example: “Hanging on the line, I saw my father’s shirt.” The modifying phrase (hanging on the line) contains a participle (hanging). It is said to be dangling because the subject of the sentence (I) is not what the phrase is modifying. “I” am not hanging on the line. That would be the shirt.

Dangling participles are not the worst grammar gaffe, just the funniest.

I have a good grasp of grammar, for which I can credit my mother, Anna Alderson. When she became an orphan at the age of sixteen, her formal schooling was over. Yet Anna had excellent language skills both speaking and writing. Her six children were raised in an environment of correct English. (By the way, you can read Anna’s story in An Ordinary Day.)

Now, I’ll admit to using colloquialisms that are not grammatically correct. “I ain’t got no …” (Texas-speak for “I do not possess any of those items,”) is one I might admit to reluctantly and only on occasion.  There are times when I will end a sentence with a preposition, if to rewrite will sound too stuffy, like something “up with which I will not put.”

Recently, I thought I had caught a gaffe when I saw this headline: “Man Shot in (small town) for Third Time This Year.” But when I read the story I found that the same man was actually shot three separate times this year (in a small town in Arkansas).

All I can say to that is, Bless his Heart.

 

Wonderful opportunities come my way as a result of having access to a Fax machine.

I have had several offers for bargain weekend accommodations at Branson or Cancun. I’ve never taken advantage of these invitations. I’m just a little skeptical. I have to wonder what sort of hotel room is available in a resort town for the price they quote. “Certain restrictions apply”? “Available only during hurricane season”? or “Double occupancy only”?

I know. Usually the “guests” are subjected to a hard-sell presentation for a time-share somewhere in the vicinity. So much for the vacation lures.

However, a fax message that caught my attention recently stated that I am pre-approved for a $69,000 small business loan. Whoa! I don’t own a small business but I might just start one. After all, I’m pre-approved.

My latest correspondence informed me that I am “being considered for inclusion into the 2017 Women of Distinction …”  I will be listed among “the most accomplished professionals . . . for having expert status” in my field. All I have to do is fill out the form and fax it back in. (It’s interesting they want to include me when they don’t even know my name.)

What is it about my life that inspired this recognition? I’m a Mom, a Grandma, and a (Great) Grandma Dot. I will admit I excel at that. When I kiss a boo boo it stays kissed.

I’m a writer. Wow! How exciting if I were being honored for my fiction. But, alas, I doubt it.

I’m also an amateur actor. But applause during the curtain call is really all the kudos I need there.

I’m a secretary, which is the position that gives me access to the fax. Perhaps this is where I have gained distinction. I answer the phone promptly – usually – and operate a mean copy machine. I can shred like nobody’s business. I can also perform “other duties as assigned.” Let’s face it, a good secretary/ administrative assistant keeps the place running and everyone on task, but seldom wins awards for her/his job performance. Satisfaction comes from knowing that the lowest person on the totem pole is often what holds up the whole cotton-picking totem pole.

So, there it is. Fill out the form and be included in the Secretary Hall of Fame. I’m being seriously considered. Maybe even pre-approved.

What a surprise for me to find that some were offended by my letter to the Arkansas Democrat Gazette.

I was trying to be funny.

Okay. One of the first things writers learn is that humor is subjective. What amuses one, goes over their neighbor’s head. What makes one laugh, might anger another. Someone takes your hyperbole literally. Perhaps I should have put quote marks around “wrong.”

What I had hoped to convey (in a humorous way) is how we pass over the important issues and let the trivial raise our hackles. It was (supposed to be) a hint that maybe we all should lighten up a bit. Another thing writers hear is: don’t try to explain your humor. So I’m done with that.

However, I was NOT criticizing the artist. If I knew his/her name I would give credit. I would never be critical of anyone who can draw a picture in which the object is recognizable.

While I may be stupid, as one insinuated, that is a matter of opinion. I am not ignorant (there’s a difference) to the original instructions for hanging toilet paper. I knew the U.S. Patent office cleared that up years ago.

I just find it ludicrous that anyone who doesn’t live in my house should care so deeply about how I install the TP roll. Again, an attempt at humor.

So, consider me properly chastised. Now we can get back to the important issues.

Is it INvelope or AHNvelope?

The uncredited drawing appeared in the Arkansas Democrat Gazette on February 17 and again on February 18, 2017. The letter to the editor appeared February 22. This post is not intended to speak in any way to the issue the Op-ed and Editorial addressed.

How sweet are your words to my taste,
sweeter than honey to my mouth!

Psalm 119:103

In addition to preparing our hearts for the coming of the Christ Child, the Advent season (or pre-Christmas) is also the time for getting together with friends. These gatherings always seem to include food. Pot luck dinners, or ‘bring your favorite party food’ or even Cookies with Santa, all challenge us in our quest to eat mostly healthy food.

For several years, one of my New Year’s resolutions was “lose ten pounds.”  Every January, I set the same goal. I never achieved it, more often than not I gained. To lose weight I needed to adjust my teen-age eating habits to my aging metabolism. Or, as the old joke goes, grow taller until my height/weight ratio was correct.

I readily confess that I don’t eat only when I’m hungry. I eat because I love the taste of food. And it has occurred to me that if I consumed God’s word with the same enthusiasm, I would be a Bible scholar.

What better time to start the habit/discipline of reading the Bible than during Advent, the time set aside for preparing for the coming of Jesus into the world.

Start at the beginning of Luke and read about His birth, flip over to Matthew to read Joseph’s point of view. Continue through the book of Luke to learn about Jesus’ life and ministry and then read Acts to see what happened next.

Join me in feasting on His Words: Sweeter than honey.

The Writers’ Colony at Dairy Hollow in Eureka Springs draws writers from across the United States (and Canada, I’m told). The enticement is the uninterrupted hours for writing, reading, respite from the rat race, spiritual nurturing, or all of the above.

Rather than a B & B, Dairy Hollow is a “bed and dinner.” There is coffee in each suite. Add a granola bar and that is enough for me. It is much preferred to having to wake and be presentable at 8:00 am for community breakfast. As a contrast, it’s nice to stop after hours of work and walk down to the dining room to meet with fellow residents for a gourmet meal.

WCDH consists of two fifties-era houses – one in the Usonian style – and both built on a hill with entrances on all levels. What I euphemistically call a suite is a bedroom with private bath and office area with wifi.

The bathroom in my suite, Spring Garden, has a pink tub and lavatory (no shower). The tiled walls are pink, yellow, and lime green. The space is rather narrow and one day, exiting the tub, I touched my bare backside to the rather cold tile wall. Quite an attention-getter.

The room includes a four-poster bed with the most comfortable mattress I have experienced away from home and a large chair for curling up to read.

Besides needing to make some strides in my latest fiction project, I used this time as a spiritual retreat. This year I completed the study Not a Silent Night, by Adam Hamilton. This unique take on the life of Mary (the mother of Jesus) stretches the mind a bit and allows us to see Jesus from Mary’s point of view.

The trip was made with my BFF Pat and we are very good co-travelers. We agreed totally on the stop at Ferguson’s on the way for a huge cinnamon roll and coffee. Coming home, lunch was at the Daisy Queen in Marshall for a fantastic burger and shake.

I arrived home on Saturday, October 31. I gave my loan trick-or-treater (a five-year-old friend named Cameron) a Slim Jim from a partial package I had in the pantry, then turned off my porch light.

Today, Sabbath — day of rest, I rode the church bus, attended Sunday School, assisted as liturgist in worship, took communion to the nursing home, picked up the dog at the boarder, put out the recycling for First Monday, and attended a Church Council meeting. Tomorrow back to my day job.

My re-entry to reality.